The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what