Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no