Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
You Might Also Like
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?