If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My dress code is business-casualty.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
i really liked this one
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.