I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
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“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
they split up moments later
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.