If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji