art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
You Might Also Like
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.