I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.