WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
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me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
handsome & gretel
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please