DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today