Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
How it started How it’s going
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.