The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.