My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.