Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.