When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Cucumbers Anonymous
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!