You Might Also Like
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“What?”
– Jude
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I hate when that happens.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”