I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)