Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The first matador
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.