“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You Might Also Like
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Ovenable?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.