So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
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Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]