It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
How long do you have to wait between naps?
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”