My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it