[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
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Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar