Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb