“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
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My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Important reminders
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.