Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house