MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit