doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
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[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other