Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
uh oh
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.