GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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So we got a goldfish…
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?