Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
You Might Also Like
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
wow he looks just like him
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.