When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
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Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.