It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
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[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
The happy life.. 😊
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
6. me as a lawyer
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.