PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
All is fair in drunk and war.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.