Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.