ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
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pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.