me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day