Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!