*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
You Might Also Like
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.