In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this