Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.