Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Spring cleaning checklist…
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.