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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?