Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
You Might Also Like
nature’s most graceful animal
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Every work call, he judges.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
damn he’s good
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Merica.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”