Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]