sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
You Might Also Like
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Anyone want a chair?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
LA today:
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!