This made me chuckle cuz mood
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation