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Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
🛁
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already