The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.