Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.